My Fat A** Rode A Bike!

Putting my helmet on all confidently like I’m not about to die. Ha!

That’s right, today I decided to hop on my rusty old Walmart special Mongoose mountain bike and go for a ride! It had been so long that my old helmet had literally fallen apart – the glue holding the plastic shell onto the impact foam had apparently broken down entirely – and the tires had begun dry rotting, with deep cracks all along the sidewall. So I pumped up those tires to the breaking point, threw the bike in the back of my Explorer, and hit the road only stopping to snag a new helmet.

Look at that sexy beast throwing a bike around like it’s nothing. Rawr.

Did I ease into things by going on an casual cruise down a nice flat path? I mean, there’s one literally a half-mile from where I live so it’s the obvious choice, right?

Hell, no!

I dove straight into the deep end! I found a cute little mountain bike course a few miles away and went full freaking bore. And I was able to ride a whole 15 minutes before I was totally wiped out (better than I expected, if I’m totally honest) and it was a hell of a lot of fun! If I’d keeled over from a heart attack right there on the trail, I would have died happy.

From my “NoPro” video, literally half a second after almost dying because my chain slipped off going up the ramp.

What did I learn from this experience?

  1. I am embarrassingly out of shape (unless that shape is a pear, then I am very much in shape).
  2. I look goofy as hell with a knockoff GoPro (“NoPro?” Eh? Anyone?) attached to the top of my helmet.
  3. My lungs are definitely not healed after having had the Rona. (Get vaxxed, assholes!)
  4. I really need to do this more often.
  5. And holy hell, I need to get a new bike.

What outdoor activity do you most enjoy?

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